Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Am I Just "Playing House"?

So I mentioned in this post that I emailed our adoption agency to find out if we'd been shown to anybody since getting approved half a year ago.


The next day we got a simple but kind reply "Hi Lee and Rhonda, nice to hear from you. I looked at your file, and to date, it has not yet been shown.  Wishing you well, Bonnie."

So pretty much our reaction was not shock or surprise, but at the same time still disappointment.  I tried to brush it off, but I did have some tears over supper as I was talking about how I felt.

It is this feeling of, does anybody else besides me believe that we will actually become parents?  Am I just "playing house"?  It's a terribly lonely feeling.  When people walk around with their pregnant bellies, everyone can see that they're expecting a child.  No one sees that I am expecting a child.  So no one talks about it.  I don't expect many baby showers or for people to talk about nothing but babies and adoption with me.  But I am not sure how to convey just how much it means to me when other people hope with me.  To know you're praying, to receive a little baby item you happened to spot in the store and thought I would like, to ask how I'm doing.  I could go on.  I don't want to sound like I deserve a ton of attention or that you should feel sorry for me.  But this journey can be terribly lonely.  I guess I just want to feel like a "real" expectant parent and want others to view me that way, too.  And sometimes I just doubt if it's all just a big game and we really won't get chosen.  I doubt why I occasionally buy baby stuff; if there'll really be someone to wear these little clothes one day.

I shouldn't say that no one supports me.  I think just the disappointment from not being shown yet coupled with my own doubts that we'll ever get matched somehow concluded in my feeling like people don't actually care enough to let me know they do care even a little.

5 comments:

  1. ((((((((Hugs))))))))

    This sucks Rhonda. It really does. I totally understand and empathize with you. It feels so gloomy some days, especially with a blow like this one. I feel your pain and am right there with you in how difficult this journey can be.

    But. (If you're not ready for a but just yet, skip this part until you are!) There is some good news in this response too. True, your profile hasn't been shown, but what this means is that your profile has not been rejected either. It could mean a million different things ... fewer expectant mothers looking to place? Your criteria don't match up with specific criteria of an expectant family's? Instant placements being made and families on the list longer than you were given priority?

    All it takes is ONE expectant mother to choose YOU. This could happen tomorrow, it could happen next year. The uncertainty is unlike anything else. It sucks.

    But. When it happens (and YES, it WILL happen!) it is going to be amazing. Unbelievable. Magical. Incredible.

    What I know is that no matter what, you will be building a life-long relationship with another family. I also know that it makes things so much easier when you actually like the family you are building the relationship with. My guess is that it will be so worth the wait when you are matched ... because the birth family will have chosen YOU for YOU. You will likely share things in common, which, believe me, will make the tricky times easier.

    I know it's easy for me to say to have patience because of the side of the fence I'm on. But I've been there. I've been in the thick of it all thinking I'd never emerge a mother. But I did. And you will too. You will. Keep buying those little booties and blankets and bottles. Knit a baby blanket. Get the nursery ready. Read all the baby books you can. Because before you know it, that babe will be here and you'll have no time to do any of that stuff, wishing that you had!

    Hang in there. Thinking of (and rooting for) you and Lee!

    As a side note - it's time for your BFF or your sister or your co-worker or WHOEVER to throw you a baby shower. I had to ask people to do it, even after the baby was born ... people don't want to intrude so tell them very directly that you want them to!

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  2. Im so sorry your journey is continuing on! Saying a prayer and sending some love!!

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  3. No you are not playing house. Waiting sucks. People don't know how to react and as Northern Star says you have to be direct. I also feel like us adoptive moms are a little too polite about our "pregnancy pains." Last time I didn't feel quite worthy, like I was not really in "the mom club." You know another reason why pregnant ladies get fawned over? Because they are constantly belly aching over their sore feet and big belly. I think its fair for you to let people know about your pains as well.

    One thing that helped me was each time I watched someone fawn over a pregnant lady and I longed for that attention I would remind myself that an expectant mother out there was getting the same attention. In her case it may not have been wanted attention because she was struggling with the idea that she may not be able to care for the person growing inside her.

    Wish I could make it easier... it will come and go. Keep busy the best you can. *hugs*

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