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Showing posts with label epilepsy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label epilepsy. Show all posts

Thursday, December 31, 2015

Summing up 2015...Looking Forward to 2016

2015
My 2015 was a year of highs and lows, big changes and not much change at all.  Here's a recap highlighting my ups and downs of the past year.

  1. In mid-January, due to a seizure I had last year in September (I hadn't had any in almost 6 years), we started thinking about not adopting at all.  This was so painful it is almost impossible for me to describe.  The indecision, prayer, talking, and crying went on for months. 
  2. In mid-March our agency let us know it was time to do our annual update.  
  3. In mid-March we put our condo up for sale again (had tried to sell it the previous year as well).  We loved the renovations we had done but wanted a place with more privacy in the backyard. 
  4. At the end of March I had a seizure
  5. In mid-April, we celebrated our TENTH anniversary!!
    My husband and I on our anniversary before going out on a date to Red Lobster.
  6. Despite the seizure and our continued consideration of not adopting, we went forward with updating our profile and went for our physicals in April. 
  7. At the end of April, we went to our agency for our update meeting, and told them we are putting our adoption on hold.  We decided we needed to get my seizures under control before continuing with adopting.  It hurt but at the same time I was okay with it.
  8. TWO DAYS after putting our adoption on hold I had another seizure!  Decided to go up on my medication which I did the following day.
  9. In May we went on a 17-day long road trip to celebrate our tenth anniversary!  Leading up to it life was very stressful, what with seizures, putting our adoption on hold, and our condo up for sale.  But it was a good trip.  You can read about it here, here, here, here, here, and here.
  10. THREE DAYS after arriving home from our trip, we got an offer on our condo which we accepted that day.
  11. In early June we started looking at houses, and a couple weeks later made an offer on one which was accepted within an hour.
  12. In late June my husband and my niece both got baptized!
  13. On the last day of June the sale of our condo and the purchase of our new home were completed!
  14. In early July, we got the news that my husband's mom has been diagnosed with colon cancer.
  15. We took posession of our new home, a 1970's 3-bedroom condo, on the last day of July, and started renos right away.
  16. We moved in early August and started talking about going active with our agency again, as my seizures seem to be under control!   
  17. My mother-in-law had radiation for the last week of August, and in early September had surgery.
  18. In September we let our agency know we wanted to go active again which they made happen the next day!  I'm excited and hopeful, but have more of a peace than a desperation like I did before.
  19. We went away to a cabin for a weekend with my family like we have done every fall for as long as I can remember, but this year it was our last year.  The 3-bedroom/7-bed cabin has gotten too small for our family of 12!
  20. On Thanksgiving Day (October 11) my grandma passed away.  She was 91.  This was the grandparent that I, and everyone in my family, was closest to.  We were next-door neighbours my whole growing-up years.  The funeral was five days later, on my husband's birthday.
    My grandma and I at her 90th birthday party almost exactly one year before she passed away.
  21. Our country voted for a new prime minister in October and in my opinion made a very big mistake.  (Yes, I'm one of those rare people who actually cares about politics, lol!)
  22. In November my mother-in-law started chemo.  She is doing really well. 
  23. As of December 1st I quit selling Regal.  
  24. On Christmas Day my uncle (my aunt's husband) was in a snowmobile accident.  Three days later, after being taken off life support, he passed away.  It feels completely unreal.  The funeral will be in January.    
So that was my 2015!!  How was your year??  Of course I can't predict 2016, but here are my hopes and expectations:
  1. There will be a couple big birthdays in my family.  My sister turning 40 and my other sister's husband turning 45.  Of course my niece that is turning 13 counts that as a VERY big birthday, lol! Cute :)
  2. We'll be doing lots and lots of renovations on our house.
  3. Of course I really, really hope we'll be chosen to adopt!
To my readers and followers, thank-you for coming by to read my blog, thank-you for sharing my ups and downs with me.  To those of you who also have blogs, I enjoy reading and commenting on yours as well, and sharing in your ups and downs!  See you in 2016 and may you have a happy new year!    

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Motherhood Month - 18

Progress & How I'm Feeling:  It's been 2 years + 6 months + 4 days since we were approved (that's 2 years + 1 month of being active, since we took a five month break).  Shortly after my husband & I got approved, we were discussing how long it would take 'til we would get matched.  Knowing that our agency's average wait time is two years, we each took a guess that we have more or less stuck with.  He guessed 1 1/2 years.  I guessed 2 1/2 years.  Well, here we are, it is over our agency's average time, it is even past my guess.  I know we were told some people have waited up to six years.  You just don't think that'll be you - and I still doubt it will be! But it is going to be a longer-than-average wait, that has now been made clear.  So how do I keep from being discouraged?  Well, sometimes I am sad.  I am a little right now, looking at the numbers I'm typing.  But there's a few things.  One, the longer we wait, the closer we are to being matched, right?  Two, I honestly don't dwell on it a lot.  Yes, I want to become a mom, raise a child in a true Christian home, raise our child in a good, Godly way that will be a benefit to them, give them tons of hugs and snuggles and giggles, see my husband be a dad and my in-laws become first-time grandparents, and so much more.  But, life moves along.  There's everyday life to live along with planning for and dreaming of a baby, and after waiting so long I guess it just not an all-consuming focus anymore.  And thirdly, last year in September when I had a seizure after an almost six-month hiatus and we had to rethink the idea of parenting, I had to really do some serious thinking and praying.  My heart was b-r-o-k-e-n.  Not become parents at all?  I'd already given up becoming a mom through birth.  Now to give up  having a baby all over again, this time with no alternative?  After much wrestling and tears, I slowly, over time, came to the place where I could say I wanted God's will more than mine.  And what peace comes with that!  And I'm not just saying that as a "Christian platitude"!  It's true!  So when in March and April of this year I had two more seizures and we decided to put our adoption on hold with the potential of closing it completely and permanently, it wasn't as painful as one would think.  Yes, I cried.  Yes, for a while I kept my feelings stuffed inside, terrified to hope.  But the gut-wrenching part had been done earlier, and peace was already there.  God was there (He'd never left).  Thankfully, I was able to go on a higher dose of medication and my health is doing really well.  We became active again in September of this year.    

Craving:  Pizza!  It's on the menu for tonight :)

Thoughts About Our Future Child:  My prayer for you is that you will believe in Jesus Christ.  My prayer for us is that we will raise you in the ways that you, yourself, need.

Thoughts About Our Child's Expectant Mom:  I wonder about you, where you are, what you're experiencing in life right now, things like that.

Most Recent Baby Purchase/Gift:  Nothing recently.  But I have been working on tearing off the old wallpaper in the baby room so that we can eventually get to the point of painting it!  The paper (two different patterns) is from at least 1990 and more likely the 70's or 80's, and underneath the whole room is pink.  At least it's coming off fairly easily! :)

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Motherhood Month - 17

Progress:  It has been 2 years + 5 months + 1 day since we were approved to adopt.  We took a 5-month hiatus from April 28 - Sept. 22 of this year.

How I'm Feeling:  It feels good to be actively waiting to adopt again.  The five months off were our choice and we felt they were necessary, as we felt my health needed to be under better control before we felt comfortable proceeding with adoption.  I say it as if going on hold was easy.  It was not.  I had a lot of feelings before we went on hold and while we were on hold, that ranged from anguish to anger to fear to confusion to grief to apathy to relief to sadness to contentment...and not necessarily in that order.  I would say that now that we're active again, I am still looking forward to getting "the call" and without a doubt I still want to be a mom, but unlike a couple of years ago it is no longer an all-consuming desire that controls me.

Craving:  A glass of water and some plain Ruffles potato chips.

Thoughts About Our Future Child:  Looking forward to holding you, snuggling you and smelling your newborn smell.

Thoughts About Our Child's Expectant Mom:  I'm thankful you're not choosing to abort.

Most Recent Baby Purchase/Gift:  I bought a little something for my hubby, whose birthday is tomorrow.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Life

I knew when I started this blog that I wouldn't be a frequent poster, but lately I feel like I've really dropped the ball! Since I've started this blog, I've posted at least once every month, but I even missed a whole month (May - granted, we were gone for 1/2 of it) recently. Sorry about that and thank you to those who keep checking back! (I do try to keep updating our timeline even when I'm not blogging, if you want to check that.)

I haven't been posting much for a couple reasons. Mainly because there's things I could say, but don't want to, so rather than say something, I've said nothing. Also, we've been busy!

March and April were both difficult months. We were gone for 17 days in May, celebrating our 10th  anniversary with a road trip to Alberta and BC. Pretty much the moment we came back, our condo sold and we went house-hunting, and then bought one in June. Hubby's mom got diagnosed with colon cancer in July. We move in August, at which time the renos start. Also, summertime is when Hubby works 11-13 hour days. Whew! I feel worn out just re-reading that list.

Life has been stressful, but I don't feel right complaining. There's been a lot of good, too. It's summertime! Hard times are always easier to handle when I can go outside and enjoy the flowers and heat (I am in my hammock right now - I can hear a baby, which makes me feel sorta happy/sad, and birds, and smell freshly mown lawn, and see my marigolds and apple tree). Hubby & I both have family that loves us and that we love, and they almost all live nearby. Most importantly, Jesus loves me and I love Him. I'm so thankful that He died instead of me and paid for my sin so that I don't have to. He is such a wonderful God and I am so thankful for Him! When everything else goes "wrong", or I have no idea what my purpose is and feel useless and lonely, I can always rely on Him to never change, to never leave me, and to always love me. He is so good!

How has life been going for you lately? Has your summer been relaxing?

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

I'm Not Super Woman

How long are your days? Everyone's varies, I imagine, but mine are really short. My husband's days are really long.

The time I get up changes, but in general it's between 11 and 1. Bedtime varies, too, but is also between 11 and 1, and then it takes me 1-2 hours to fall asleep. I usually get 8 1/2 - 10 1/2 hours of sleep. That leaves me with roughly a 13-14 hour day.

During the week, Hubby gets up at about 6. He works from 7 am to around 6-7 pm.  He squeezes in a shower and supper, and a couple minutes of downtime, a couple minutes with me, and maybe a couple minutes of doing something that needs to be done. Then, waaaay overtired, he crashes into bed and conks out in literally seconds (I've counted) - usually also around 11-1, because he likes to go to bed the same time as me. This gives him 4-6 hours of sleep a night, a 12-14 hour workday, and about 5 hours in the evening during which he is EXHAUSTED. I don't know how to convince him to go to bed earlier, and I know it's costing him his health. It's disheartening and a little scary for me.

You may wonder why I go to bed so late and get up so late. It's because I don't have a choice. Well, unless I want to risk having a seizure. Which I don't. My kind of epilepsy, JME (Juvenile Myoclonic Epilepsy), is characterized by jerking of the arms in the early mornings and after too little sleep. (There are other lesser triggers as well, but this is the main one.) Too much jerking usually equals a grand mal seizure. So I control my epilepsy with medication, sleep, prayer, and watching my other triggers. In this way I only have, on average, a grand mal seizure every 1 1/2 years. Not bad, eh?

So, yes, I hate sleeping so much. It sucks. It hurts. It frustrates others. I've missed out on many morning events and will miss out on many more. Little things, like restaurant breakfasts that close by 9, 10, or even 11. Sunrises. Parades. Big things, like weddings. Funerals. Christmas. Scheduling in "life" is different for me and my hubby. Think what booking appointments, taking vacations, and family gatherings would look like for you if you could never start your day before 11, noon, or even 1 am. That is my life. I hate inconveniencing and disappointing those around me. Some have chosen to understand and work with us; others haven't.

BUT. If sleeping in is what keeps my jerking at bay? And thus keeps my seizures away? If sleeping in actually does the opposite and helps my whole day NOT be wasted (since jerking keeps me in bed for the day)? If sleeping in relieves my mom's stress ten-fold? My husband's stress a hundred-fold? If sleeping in helps my body not feel for days like it was run over by a steamroller (what a seizure feels like)? And helps me keep my memory and emotions fairly intact (a seizure wreaks havoc with both for weeks)? Then, yes. Then I accept the remedy.

I do wish I could be "super woman". I would like to hold down a job, birth children, adopt from overseas, homeschool, have friends, write an amazing, consistent blog, encourage people spiritually, scrapbook every week, cook healthy meals, exercise, volunteer, drive, take vacations, host people over at our home...the list could go on. But this is not who I am. Whether due directly to my epilepsy, my short days, other health issues, past experiences, faults of my own, or reasons I do not understand, this is not who I am. I probably never will be my ideal "super woman".

And that's okay. As long as I am who my Saviour, Jesus, wants me to be. And I am. He wants me to be His. I believe Him and I trust Him so I am His. I know that He is in control and this brings me HUGE comfort. What also brings me peace is being willing to do whatever He wants. When I was fighting to do what I wanted because I was scared His plans would be scary and sad, I wasn't at peace at all. When I was willing to do His will, I learned that He takes away desire for the things He doesn't want you to do, so that it isn't as big a deal as you thought it would be. It's ironic, but the lack of desire for the thing I wanted was the very thing I feared! But when I let Him run my life, well, of course you don't miss something you no longer desire. Silly me. God always knows best. I really, truly believe this.

I've gotten a little off track. Let me conclude my thoughts. I have short days that make me feel like I can't accomplish everything I feel like a woman my age should. It's also hard for me to miss out on morning events and I know it's hard in some ways for my loved ones, too. But to avoid seizures and the stress it puts on my already-exhausted husband, I accept the remedy of sleeping in. Also, as long as I am the woman God wants me to be, it is okay if I cannot be the woman I desire to be. In fact, if I desire to be a woman that pleases God, I will most likely lose the desire to be "super woman". I am so thankful for the contentment that a trusting, dependent, relying, and willing relationship with Christ brings.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Epilepsy & Parenting

I've been debating whether to talk about this on my blog for two months.  Remember I mentioned back here that we'd been going through some difficult times?  And then I missed two Motherhood Months in a row.  Well, I am still here and we are still waiting to adopt.  But I did have a seizure.

I haven't hidden the fact that I have epilepsy from my readers nor from any potential birthparents who may read my blog (just to be clear, where I live, it is illegal to advertize ourselves, so this blog is not in any way intended to solicit birthparents to choose us).  I've mentioned it here, here, and most recently, here.  I've also mentioned it in the above tabs.

But I still have felt reluctant to talk freely about my epilepsy here.  My hesitation comes from a fear of not being chosen, the fear of all expectant adoptive parents.  When talking it over with Hubby last month, he said he thinks I should go right ahead and speak freely about my epilepsy on my blog.  After all, he said, how would our future child's birthparents feel if they realized, after they'd placed with us, that we'd kept this hidden from them?  I realized what he said made sense (although my epilepsy, like every other teeny-tiny part of our lives, is written up at our agency for potential birthparents to read anyway!).

Another (lesser) fear is that my readers will judge me for choosing to parent with epilepsy.  This one is fairly simply addressed by telling myself "Who cares what they think?"  Thankfully I have the kind of personality that I can tell myself that somewhat easily, haha.

My other completely wild, unfounded fear is that CFS would take away my child(ren) due to my epilepsy.  I think this fear comes from growing up in a [good] home where my parents fostered children for most of my childhood and teen years.  And I guess living in today's paranoid world, we are all aware of how quickly people will report even imagined things, and CFS will swoop in and devastate a family.  (Don't get me wrong, I know CFS does good as well; after all, my parents worked with them for years.  I just think people are too trigger-happy with their reporting, and that more emphasis should be put on helping families rather than breaking them apart.)  The way to comfort myself about this fear is reminding myself that (1) my doctor is completely on my side, and (2) there are many people who parent with disabilities, successfully.

So.  About that seizure.  I've had epilepsy, specifically Juvenile Myoclonic Epilepsy, for 14.5 years now.  Well, it's been that long since my first seizure.  I had it for probably 1/2 a year to a year or so before that.  So during that time I've had 7 seizures.  One in the year 2000, three in 2005, two in 2008, and then almost a full six years later (my record), I had seizure #7 on September 8, 2014.  As you can see, I don't have them frequently at all.  I do regularly get "jerks" (bilateral muscle spasms in my arms), though they seem to have settled into a "once a month" pattern for now.

So on September 8th, a Monday, I got up and went about my morning, making lunch and going online.  I was jerking a bit and decided to lie down.  I texted Hubby to let him know I was jerking and proceeded to rest.  I then had the seizure but did not realize it til later of course.  What I knew next was I was walking around disoriented, from room to room around the house, very nauseous and feeling terror.  I felt I needed to get help but could not recall any phone numbers.  When my mind cleared up enough that I could recall my husband's phone number, I phoned him and told him I was scared.  He came home immediately (he was there in 20 minutes!).  During that time I rested and my mind cleared up all the way and I realized I had had a seizure.  I knew this from past experience, although did I mention this was my very first seizure all alone?!?  All my other seizures someone has been there to prevent me from getting up, which apparently I always want to do when the seizure's over, and to comfort me, because I always feel terrified while coming to.  Well, anyway, I took all those factors into consideration, as well as the fact that my tongue was a bit bitten and my upper arms were incredibly sore; all normal.  Hubby came home, very concerned, and held my hand while I slept and recovered, sweet man of mine.

Here's to hoping I can beat my record and go over six years seizure-free this time!

Well, how did this seizure affect our thoughts and feelings toward adopting?  It definitely had a big effect for both of us.  I guess this seizure was a bit of wake-up call for us.  We knew epilepsy would affect our parenting, but we hadn't really talked about it thoroughly or made any specific plans.  Now, all of a sudden, both of us completely doubted my ability to parent.  We didn't talk about it immediately but each knew what the other was thinking.  I went from being completely excited about adopting (with the occasional "we'll never get matched" times, of course) to completely losing my joy.  I didn't read any of my (thousands of) adoption blogs I follow, nor blog here, nor read about adoption, dream about it, and I didn't even want to talk about it.  I felt completely --blank-- inside. 

When Hubby & I first approached the topic with each other, I broke down into those physically-painful sobs:  I could not, would not, consider not adopting.  I'd already had one dream - pregnancy - stolen from me, I would not have another!!  We decided to not talk further about it right then.  We prayed about it.  I read up about parenting with epilepsy.  We set a date to talk about it more thoroughly.  When we talked about it we found we were both scared about continuing but I wanted to more; he wanted to quit more.  We talked a couple times and never got upset with each other which was wonderful. 

We took some steps:  I made an appointment with my neurologist (well, I had to find a new one, so that appt's coming up) to see if he knows any parents with my specific kind of epilepsy.  I also talked to some family members to see how willing they would be to babysit in the early mornings for the first few years of Baby's life and that has been encouraging all around.  Hubby read what I had found on parenting with epilepsy.  He also talked with a trusted friend who I know is praying for us as well.  We agreed to continue, and if we get matched, awesome, and if not, perhaps that is God's way of saying "no".  I talked with my regular doctor and she was very encouraging, saying she supports me completely, that I will be a good parent, etc.  A close family member who is very supportive of us adopting has committed to helping babysit as needed.  Although we are now looking at things more realistically, we are all around feeling more hopeful.  My joy is returning.  Praise the Lord!

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Can Eat, Can't Eat

A lot of people have asked me what I can and can't eat.  Unfortunately this is not a quick and simple answer.  I wish it was!  But since so many people seem to genuinely care, and want to make an effort to provide me with the kinds of food I can eat, I will try and explain as best as I can.

First off, let me clarify by saying that I by no means expect people to go out of their way to buy specific ingredients for me (often expensive ingredients that they will only use once) nor cook dishes specifically for me.  I don't feel entitled; like people should cater to my needs.  If I am at your place for a meal, and I cannot eat something that is served, I will not make a big deal of it.  That only makes you feel bad and makes me look bad.  We live in a first-world country after all; if I don't get full at your place it is not the worst thing; I can eat when I get home.  In fact, I am often prepared for not being able to eat everything that is served and I often eat a snack or even a small meal at home before I come!  If I am feeling courageous enough, I may call ahead of time and ask what the person is planning on making, and that way, if you don't mind, I can bring whatever I need (salad dressing, for example).  Sometimes, if I feel comfortable enough, I may ask if you can change a small part of the meal (put the salad dressing on the side, for example) and that way I may be able to eat the meal.  But I just want people to know that I am not going to be upset with them if they don't cook according to my needs because I think that is just conceited; you are not my servant; you have been gracious enough to invite me over for a meal.  But please also know I may not be able to eat everything, and not to feel sorry for me.  I'll be okay!

Second of all, let me say that my reasons for avoiding certain foods are very real, and actually quite serious.  It's not just because I don't like something or am concerned about gaining weight.  Neither do I do it to get attention.  Rest assured, I would LOVE to eat the foods I am avoiding!!

Thirdly, let me say a genuine "thank-you!" to the people in my life who have cared enough to ask what I can and can't eat.  Most of the time, I admit, I assume that my health problems are a hassle and a nuisance to people, and even that they think I am making it all up.  It always amazes me when I find out some people really don't mind going out of their way to provide food I can eat; that they actually want to.  So thank you for caring.  It means a lot to me, it really, truly does.  

So, three things:  why can't I eat certain foods?  what foods can't I eat? and what foods can I eat?

For starters,  I have a couple more minor health concerns that I prefer not to talk about in a public forum like this, but they do somewhat influence what I can and can't eat.  There's no reason really to go into deep detail here, so I'll just say that I try to avoid anything acidic or spicy - so things like orange juice,oranges, and lemonade are a definite no-no, as is hot salsa.  I also don't drink carbonated beverages.  If I ever do have anything acidic or spicy - such as tomato-based products, a bit of pineapple, fruit juices in general, too much pepper or vinegar, etc - I make sure to drink lots and lots of water.  And water's always a good thing! :)

Okay, now to the critical stuff!  I will tell you what I can and can't eat, to the best of my abilities, but first the 'why'.  I have epilepsy (specifically, Juvenile Myoclonic Epilepsy).  If you do research on JME as I have, you will find that very few people have food sensitivities that affect their epilepsy, or at least there are very few who have tried dietary modifications to help their JME.  But for epilepsy in general you can definitely find information.  The main source of my information has been this website; my neurologist was very interested in my experiences and so I passed on to him the information that I had found helpful.  However, neither my family doctor nor my neurologist have been overly helpful.  My neurologist had me tested for gluten sensitivity and I am not gluten intolerant.  Otherwise everything I have learned has come from trial & error and research online.  If I could afford it, I would go see a nutritionist or naturopathic doctor.  My neurologist is semi-retired now and I have been told I have to find a new one, so hopefully my next one will have some insight.  What I would really love to see is an epileptologist; unfortunately my understanding is that there is only one in my province.  Anyway, most of that is an aside to the fact that I have epilepsy and what I eat affects it.  This was not always the case.  I had JME for approximately 9 years before food became a problem (I believe triggered by sudden changes I made to my diet for an unrelated problem).  Now for the last 5 years life has been a learning curve of figuring out what I can and can't eat, where I can buy alternative foods (some expensive, some delicious, some gross), and trying new recipes (sometimes pretty much inventing them!).  So what happens if I eat something I shouldn't?  Do I immediately fall down and convulse wildly?  No.  (Btw, I never convulse wildly, lol.  I have 'jerks' - muscle jerks in my arms, which I remain conscious during, and I have grand mal (or tonic-clonic) seizures for which I do lose consciousness and will fall if I am not already lying down in a safe place (which I usually am because I know it's going to happen) but even for these I am told my body pretty much just gets very stiff and only jerks slightly).  When I eat something I shouldn't, my body's response is very hard to describe - it is somewhat like a feeling of pressure in my head combined with a feeling of grogginess.  It is somewhat similar to the feeling I feel before jerking (which almost always occurs upon awakening too early; the hallmark of JME).  At this point I immediately quit eating whatever I was eating, and if possible I will go lie down til the feeling goes away.  The real danger comes if I eat something very bad for me, or if I eat bad things in too large quantities, or if I eat bad foods too frequently, or if eating something bad happens to coincide with another one of my triggers.  Then I am likely to jerk, usually starting the next morning and potentially lasting for hours, and if I jerk too much, for too long, have big jerks, or don't get the rest I need, I could have a grand mal seizure.  With a grand mal seizure comes the risk of hurting myself or others, feeling like I've been put through a wringer washer physically & emotionally for a day or two, causing my husband stress, and of course the minor inconvenience of losing my drivers license for a year.  So why don't I just go on a different medication or a higher dose of my medication, you ask?  Well, that would not take care of the problem completely.  I have yet to hear of a case where medication completely controls a person's JME.  Also medication, particularly brain-altering ones like anti-epileptic drugs (AEDs), always come with side effects, a number of difficult ones that I already live with.  Also I have already made a huge sacrifice in my life by switching to the medication that I am on - not being able to get pregnant on this medication - so that I could be on the best medication for controlling my epilepsy so that I could be the best mother possible and hopefully start a family through adoption.

Let's move on to the facts of what I can and can't eat.  First of all, what I can't eat.  Note that some of these ingredients I need to avoid 100%.  Others depend more on the factors I mentioned earlier - the problems occurring not only if I eat something very bad for me, but also if I eat bad things in too large quantities, if I eat bad foods too frequently, or if eating something bad happens to coincide with another one of my triggers.  These are things you can't necessarily know, so I need to be the judge of whether I can eat something or not at a certain time.  It may be confusing to you sometimes.  It is to me, too!  I am constantly listening to my body and evaluating and re-evaluating what it's doing, thinking about what I ate and what I will eat, plus taking into account all my other triggers.  It can be very wearying as sometimes it feels like things are not consistent, but I am very thankful to have discovered natural ways to help control my epilepsy.

What I Can't Eat
  • Soy - Soy is a huge one for me.  And you would be surprised what soy is all in.  You pretty much have to become a label-reader for this one.  I avoid all types of soy - soybeans (edamame), soybean oil, etc.  Soy can be hidden under other names, such as hydrolyzed soy protein, textured vegetable protein, soy isolate, monosodium glutamate (MSG), etc.  I am wary of any product with the ingredient vegetable oil, and sometimes contact the manufacturer to find out what that is specifically (for example, Tostitos tortilla chips lists vegetable oil on their bags, and when contacted they kindly told me it was 50/50 sunflower oil and corn oil).  The majority of chocolate out there has soy lecithin in it.  I have found this to not be the hugest of problems, perhaps because of the small quantity, but I still try not to eat it too frequently (I have found a few soy-free chocolate bars out there).  Common foods that you will find soy in are salad dressings including Miracle Whip and all mayonnaise's except for Hellmann's (even Miracle Whip's Olive Oil mayo has soybean oil) - you can buy salad dressings from the refrigerated section (like Renee's brand) that don't have soybean oil, but some have other bad ingredients; obviously soy sauce; a lot of prepackaged/processed foods like canned soups; some frozen chicken breasts; margarine; I cannot think of everything that has soy in it right now but there is a LOT!  A number of flavours of potato chips have MSG.
  • Grains - This is another big one for me.  I avoid all whole wheat, oats, barley, and rye.  I used to be able to eat white flour occasionally in small quantities but it started to become a problem so now I don't eat it either (I have occasionally put a tiny bit of white flour in as a thickener for sauces but prefer not to).  There are some gluten-free flours that I can eat but not all of them.  I haven't learned yet exactly which are safe or not (there are so many available with this gluten-free craze going on right now!) but as of now I also avoid oats, bran, quinoa, millet, and buckwheat until I know for sure.  So the obvious places one would find grains are baked goods like bread & buns, hamburger & hotdog buns, cakes & pies, muffins & cupcakes, desserts & cookies, waffles & pancakes, etc.  More hidden places are things like canned tomato soup and wieners.  Also don't forget the breading on chicken or anything that has breadcrumbs, as well as breakfast cereals, crackers, pasta, and pizza crusts.  Of course I am just scratching the surface with this one as well!
  • Cow's milk products and Casein - Another big one.  If you're wondering what casein is, it's a protein in milk, and it's very concentrated in cheese.  I avoid all cow's milk cheeses.  I used to occasionally eat small amounts of mozzarella, but have since found it to be troublesome as well.  The WORST cow's milk cheese is Parmesan.  I really need you to tell me if you have sprinkled a little of this in a salad or mixed it into a casserole or what not.  Cheddar is also very, very bad.  But I don't eat any cow's milk cheeses - Monterey Jack, Swiss, Feta, Ricotta, Cottage Cheese, Cream Cheese, Havarti, Brie, I could go on and on and let me assure you, I miss them ALL!  I am a HUGE cheese lover!!!  I used to be able to eat other cow's milk products, just not cheeses, without too much difficulty, but things have gotten worse, so now I try to avoid them all for the most part.  This includes milk, butter, sour cream, yogurt, cream, ice-cream, etc.  I am not as strict (yet) with these items as I am the cheeses but I do exercise caution with them.
  • Beans - Just like the soybeans, I can't eat any beans.  So think of things like refried beans, bean dip, chili, etc.
  • Nuts - I can't eat any nuts, the worst ones being peanuts, cashew, pistachios, and almonds.  Well, actually I have heard that almonds are not quite as bad, but I prefer not to test this out.  So no peanut butter for me, nor treats made with nuts in them.  (Please note: I am not allergic to these foods.  So, unlike if a child had a nut allergy, you can have nuts in the house, etc, and I will be fine.  I just can't consume them.)
  • Seeds - Seeds such as sunflower seeds and pumpkin seeds.  I don't know if this includes sesame seeds or not.  Also includes lentils, although I've never eaten them in my life anyway.  This is not a super critical one; I should just not consume seeds in large quantities.
  • Aspartame - I don't have a hard time with this one at ALL, because I have always found the artificial sweetener aspartame DISGUSTING, lol!  Aspartame is, of course, found in diet drinks.  It's often called NutraSweet or Equal.  It is in most foods labeled "sugar free".  I have no idea what I would do if I became a diabetic, lol.
  • Meats - I don't avoid meats, but some of them should not be eaten in large quantities or too frequently.  These include turkey, rabbit (I don't ever plan on eating one anyway, lol), and grain-fed meats.  As of this point in my life I don't check to see what my meat ate when it was last alive, lol.
I think that is all!  By now you must be wondering, what DOES she eat?!?  Actually, I've had people ask me that.  Well, I will tell you as best as I can.
  • Mayonnaise & Salad Dressings - For mayonnaise I eat Hellmann's mayoBoth the regular one and the olive oil one do not contain any soybean oil.  For salad dressings I either buy a refrigerated brand such as Renee's (first checking the ingredients to make sure it doesn't have Parmesan or anything else bad) or I make my own.  It's actually really simple to whip up a vinaigrette, especially when you have seasoning already on hand (Epicure makes a really yummy Italian one).
  • Rice Pasta & Gluten-free Baked Goods - I have gotten totally used to pasta made with rice, and for that matter so has my husband!  Our grocery stores all sell a very wide variety of different pasta shapes (still missing manicotti, but hey).  I also buy Udi's gluten-free hot dog buns and hamburger buns (they cost an arm and a leg but thankfully not a brain, haha).  I have not yet had success worth talking about it when it comes to baking with gluten-free flours, and I can't eat all of them anyway.  Just because it says "gluten-free" does NOT mean it is safe for me!  I have also bought some gluten-free mixes (cake, waffles, muffins, etc) and most are wonderful, especially Betty Crocker's GF cake mixes; I swap out the butter for canola oil and it works just fine.  On occasion I treat myself (it's expensive) to a small loaf of gluten-free bread (I can't remember the brand; it's from Safeway) - it needs to be toasted to taste good, but at least I can have some little sandwiches!!  I can eat coconut, so if I go to Tim Horton's with a friend (where I can pretty much not eat a single thing) I can get those DELICIOUS coconut macaroons they have on hand there.  I also buy Udi's gluten-free pizza crusts on rare ($) occasions.  Breadcrumbs for chicken I make using a combo of Cornflakes crumbs and tortilla chips crumbs plus seasonings and it is delish.  
  • Meats - Wieners I buy Schneiders Naturals brand because it doesn't contain any wheat.  For frozen chicken breasts we buy Dunn-Rite because it is soy-free and gluten-free.  There can usually be hamburger patties found that don't contain wheat or soy; just read the ingredients label.  I've never been a huge meat-eater and most meats are okay; it's the additions that can be a problem. 
  • Goat Milk & Goat Milk Cheeses - Goats have become my friends, lol!  Seriously, though, I am SO thankful there are goat dairies around here and that our local grocery stores provide these products.  I can get goat milk at Sobeys and Safeway; goat mozzarella at Sobeys and Superstore; goat cheddar at Sobeys (and if not in stock there, at De Luca's in the city).  Of course every store carries soft goat cheese, which I mix together with goat milk to create "sour cream".  It is a very rich version of sour cream and I don't use it in big quantities.  In place of Parmesan cheese, we buy Myzithra, which is a sheep's milk cheese.  We have to go to the city to either De Luca's or Fenton's in the Fork's for that one, but that's okay because we buy a large amount, grate it all and freeze it.  Goat feta is another one that's easy to find.  I even found goat Gouda (at De Luca's in the city) which I have bought once; it was so good and I used it in place of Fontina cheese in a recipe.  I would LOVE to be able to find butter, yogurt, sour cream, ice-cream, cream cheese, and cream made from goat's milk but this hasn't happened yet.  I learned how to make Ricotta using just 3 ingredients - goat milk, salt, and lemon juice - and it turns out great every time I make it.  Recently my husband bought me coconut "ice-cream" (Luna & Larry's Organic Coconut Bliss) and it was AMAZING!!  It is soy-free, dairy-free, and gluten-free (I can't eat all their products, though, as some contain nuts). 
  • Beans, Nuts, Seeds - I haven't found any replacements for these yet, and I do miss them.  They are such a great source of fibre and my new motto has pretty much become "an avocado a day keeps the doctor away" when it comes to getting enough fibre!  Seeds are not the worst thing, though, and I have discovered I can make a homemade pesto using pumpkin seeds and Myzithra cheese, instead of pine nuts and Parmesan (which is what most recipes call for; store-bought ones usually have soybean oil).
  • Other things - I can eat - and I like - the majority of fruits and vegetables.  So I consume a lot of them.  I also eat a lot of potatoes, eggs, and I can also eat rice.  "Plain" food is really the best route for me as it is the additional ingredients that are usually the problem.  For example, yes I can eat potatoes, but if I go to a potluck and there is scalloped potatoes (because we know those have to be at every potluck, right?) there could very likely be canned cream of soups in there, or sour cream or butter, or cheese.  So something like a baked potato is a much better bet for me.  Some people put soya sauce in their rice, or fry their eggs in margarine.  So I always have to ask what is in food.  This is something I just have to get used to, and it is very difficult for me.  Going out to eat is a struggle beyond words.  I've learned what dishes I can eat at which restaurants, and I don't get much variety!  But that's okay; I am SO thankful that God has provided me food that I can eat!
Here are 3 recipes that I have posted in the past.  I will try to post some more safe recipes in the future.
Thank you for taking the time to read this; I know it was long!