Am I Just "Playing House"?

So I mentioned in this post that I emailed our adoption agency to find out if we'd been shown to anybody since getting approved half a year ago.

The next day we got a simple but kind reply "Hi Lee and Rhonda, nice to hear from you. I looked at your file, and to date, it has not yet been shown.  Wishing you well, Bonnie."

So pretty much our reaction was not shock or surprise, but at the same time still disappointment.  I tried to brush it off, but I did have some tears over supper as I was talking about how I felt.

It is this feeling of, does anybody else besides me believe that we will actually become parents?  Am I just "playing house"?  It's a terribly lonely feeling.  When people walk around with their pregnant bellies, everyone can see that they're expecting a child.  No one sees that I am expecting a child.  So no one talks about it.  I don't expect many baby showers or for people to talk about nothing but babies and adoption with me.  But I am not sure how to convey just how much it means to me when other people hope with me.  To know you're praying, to receive a little baby item you happened to spot in the store and thought I would like, to ask how I'm doing.  I could go on.  I don't want to sound like I deserve a ton of attention or that you should feel sorry for me.  But this journey can be terribly lonely.  I guess I just want to feel like a "real" expectant parent and want others to view me that way, too.  And sometimes I just doubt if it's all just a big game and we really won't get chosen.  I doubt why I occasionally buy baby stuff; if there'll really be someone to wear these little clothes one day.

I shouldn't say that no one supports me.  I think just the disappointment from not being shown yet coupled with my own doubts that we'll ever get matched somehow concluded in my feeling like people don't actually care enough to let me know they do care even a little.

Sunshine Award(s)!

Two sunshiney people from the ALI blogging world have nominated me for the Sunshine Award!  Yay!  I feel so special :)  It feels good to know people read & appreciate your blog.

So here are the rules:

• Proudly post your sunshiney new award
• Answer the 11 questions from the blogger who nominated you
• Nominate 11 wonderful bloggers
• Write 11 questions for them to answer
• Let the nominated blogger know you have nominated them

So here are the 11 questions from the first person who nominated me, Kristen from Adoption Love:

1. What is the best advice you've ever gotten?  I have gotten a lot of good advice in my life, that come to my mind at different times.  To try and recall the best piece of advice right now? I'm not sure if I can do.  But I can remember some good pieces of advice right now:  my dad once told me to not waste time feeling embarrassed or stupid.  My mother-in-law, who is a wealth of very gentle advice (perfect for my personality!) has told me that people who are very sensitive (who cry easily, are hurt easily - traits usually viewed as negative) are the very same people who are also sensitive to others - people who are gentle, kind, patient, etc.  She is very correct.  By the way, this sensitive person I am describing is my husband :)
2. What is your first childhood memory?  I don't know what my first memory was.  I have a lousy memory!  It's nothing significant, but I do seem to have a faint recollection that I used to be able to walk under the dining room table, and then one day realizing my eyes could peek above it and I could no longer walk right under it.
3. If you could choose another time in history to live, when would it be?  Every time in history has it's pros and cons, but I would like to try living in the "Little House on the Prairie" days.  I really love the sense of family, of working together, playing together.  Although it would've been a lot of hard work and access to doctors was rare, I think it would've been a really simple time.  No technology so thus not a lot of ignoring each other.  Knowing how to sew your own clothes, cook from scratch, garden, farm.  Be outdoors a lot.  A simple, steady faith in God.  Helping your neighbours out (even if they were miles away) was something you didn't even think twice about.
4. What's the last book you read and what was it about?  I just finished "Behind the Veil", the 3rd and last book in the Royal Pavilions series by Linda Chaikin.  She is one of my favourite Historical/Christian/Romance/Mystery/Fiction authors.  The series is from the days of the crusades, and the books contain a lot of sword fights and "intrigue". 
5. How did you meet your significant other?  I met my hubby when we both started working at a new Tim Horton's that opened up in our town.  We actually didn't work a lot of the same shifts, but enough that we started to get to know each other a little.  At first we didn't express any of the interest we had in each other, because I am two years older, and when you're 18 and 16, that seems like a big difference, lol!  Also I was dating someone else at the time.  He was secretly very happy when that relationship ended.  We started to get together as friends, sometimes with other people, and eventually he asked me out :)
6. What's the best way to get on your good side?  Chocolate!  And I really appreciate it when people listen to me and take me seriously.  Here's another good piece of advice I was given, by a teacher back in highschool:  when you ask how someone is doing, ask sincerely and then really listen to their answer.  This stuck with me and I try not to do the frivolous "hi how are you" thing.  So you get on my good side if you genuinely ask me how I am and then take the time to listen.  Bonus points if next time I see you, you remember what I said!  But I do also accept gifts of chocolate :D
7. What's your favourite thing to do on a Saturday morning?  Sleep in with my hubby!!!
8. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?  When I think of all the natural disasters, I think I might actually stay right where I am.  Yes, we have minimum 5 months of snow, cold, wind, ice, and blizzards, but at least we don't have tsunamis, hurricanes, earthquakes, etc, and only occasional, not very severe, tornadoes. 
9. What has been your favourite "adoption moment" so far?  I think I will sum this answer up and say it is all the sweet things people have said to us.  All the congratulations, the "you'll be a good mom" comments, the "I'm praying for you" encouragements, etc.  Every one of these kind words tells me that people are thinking of us, remaining hopeful even when we lose hope, want the best for us, and are excited for us.
10. What would your family pet say to you if they could talk?  Last year we gave away our cat, my Smacky baby, of 7 years, to my brother and sis-in-law.  So I hope he'd say "I miss you, Mom!"
11. What is the airspeed velocity of a laden swallow?  Sorry, Kristen, I have no idea what this means.  A movie quote, I'm guessing?

Here are the 11 questions from the second person who nominated me, Ethan from The Littlest Brooks-Livingston:

1. What’s one of the songs in your current Ipod / cd player / Pandora rotation and why do you like it?  Turning on my iPod, the first song that shows up is "Manger Medley" by David Phelps from his album Joy, Joy.  Yes, I've been listening to Christmas music!  Why do I like this song?  Because I love pretty much anything by David Phelps :)
2. What is one thing you’re deathly afraid of?  I could put Kristen's answer #8 verbatim into this one!  But also, well, they have 8 legs and they're not octopuses - but they're almost as big!
3. Who makes you laugh?  Almost anyone - I laugh pretty easily!  My father-in-law is usually the one to make me laugh til my face hurts, though.
4. Presuming you can cook, what’s your favorite thing to cook?  I love to cook and I honestly don't know if I can come up with just one dish.  I do really enjoy chopping vegetables though - there's something calming about it.  And it's just fun to wield a chef's knife and pretend I'm a professional!
5. Describe your most embarrassing moment – if you’re anything like me, you might need it narrowed down – of 2013.  I never can find an answer to this question!  Perhaps it's because of my dad's advice (see above) to not waste time feeling embarrassed and stupid??  I know I do embarrass myself regularly; I just can't think of an example right now.
6. What’s the weirdest job task you’ve ever had?  I don't know if I've had to do anything exceptionally weird.  I've really only had 3 main jobs in my life time (coffee shop, grocery store, fishing lodge).  One thing we had no choice but to do at the fishing lodge, even though it wasn't directly part of the job, was clear mice out of our cabin regularly.  Hubby & I had one tiny cabin that we lived in for about 4 months, and it had a lot of mice.  In the toilet, falling from the ceiling...  In the night the trap would always go off and I'd wake Hubby up to go dump the mouse outside and reset it. 
7. What’s one parenting moment you’re looking forward to most?  Just one? :)  Perhaps Baby falling asleep contentedly in my arms.  But I am also looking forward to simply everyday life as a family.
8. Would you rather have a wand or a light saber?  I'd rather not have either, thanks anyway, Ethan!
9. What book is on your nightstand?  I currently have 3 on my nightstand - my Bible (currently reading), "Eternal Security" by Charles Stanley (currently reading), and "The Terrible Hours" by Peter Maas (done reading).
10. What childhood moment will you try to recreate with your child(ren)?  The childhood memory I have that I hoped my child(ren) would have is playing with cousins, but as life's turning out, my child(ren)'s cousins will be a lot older than they.  So maybe just using their imagination and being creative.
11. (Stealing this one from Kristen): What’s your favorite adoption moment so far?  As this was "stolen" from Kristen :) I have already answered it (see above).

Now to nominate 11 wonderful bloggers who have brought a little sunshine to my life.  (I will just do 11 bloggers and 11 questions, even though I have been nominated twice.)

B&B and The Big Decision
Grafting Our Family Tree
Jim and Amy Hoping to Adopt
Waiting for Baby
Unexpected Dreams
Until Forever...
In Due Time
Seeds of the Heart
Love, Matt and Kara
Trying for a Baby (Adopting)
Our Adoption Story

1. What do you see when you look out your window right now?
2. Who would you love to be able to have a conversation with again right now?
3. Are you more inclined to pick a sweet snack or a salty snack? 
4. What's one of the most thought-provoking things you've heard or read lately?
5. Are you a cat person or a dog person?
6. If you could pick one character trait for your child to develop, what would it be?
7. Are you more content doing nothing or being busy?
8. What is something you would like to change about how many people view adoption/loss/infertility?
9. What's your favourite restaurant and why?
10. When it comes down to it, what/who is all that really matters to you?
11. If you won the lottery, what's one thing you'd spend money on that people would think you were slightly crazy for doing?

Looking forward to reading everyone's answers! :)

Motherhood Month - 2

Progress:  We've been approved & waiting for exactly 1/2 a year today!

Mood:  Today, at this moment, I am feeling a bit of nervous anticipation.  I just finished emailing our agency to ask if we've been shown to anybody in the last 6 months.  At the seminar we went to last year, we were told not to call all the time asking; to wait until 6 months had passed (we will get updated annually).  So I took them very literally and waited until today to contact them.

In reality, finding out if we've shown shouldn't have a huge impact.  I mean, these are the possible scenarios:

1. We find out we haven't been shown to any expectant parents.  We wonder "what's wrong with us??"
2. We find out we've been shown to very few expectant parents but haven't been matched.  We wonder "what's wrong with us??"
3. We find out we've been shown to many expectant parents but haven't been matched.  We wonder "what's wrong with us??"

Lol.  But I want to find out anyway, just so I have some idea of what's been going on or not going on.  (Our agency does not contact us unless there is a birthparent who actually wants to meet us.)

Cravings:  Well, I just woke up 1 1/2 hours ago and haven't eaten any breakfast yet, and since lunchtime is looming, I should probably get around to either eating my usual Cornflakes or starting to make lunch (I'm planning on warming up the quiche I made yesterday).  Hmm...that sounds good; stomach's growling...  I'll be right back! :)

Thoughts About Our Child:  I recently put up new pictures of my 3 nieces and can't believe how old and mature they look.  They are now 14, almost 10, and 8.  I feel sad that our child(ren) won't have cousins close to their age to play with.  Cousins were so important to me growing up.

Thoughts About Our Expectant Mom:  Thinking about another open adoption I know of where the birthmother is no longer in the picture, I am hoping our child's birthparents will choose to be a part of our life and our (as in theirs and ours) child's life.  Even though I imagine that will have its difficulties, too.

Most Recent Baby Purchase/Gift:  Really awesome photos are coming soon!  And I am hoping Hubby & my sisters are planning a surprise baby shower for me, but if they aren't, well, there's really nothing I can do about it, right? :)

This Week God:  reminded me that even though I am not ashamed of Him, it may come across to others that way if I avoid a situation I am intimidated by.  Romans 1:16

Christmas is Coming

Well, Christmas is coming (48 days) and decorations are starting to show up around our house!  This is the first year we've had Christmas in this house (we moved here in February).  So I'm pretty excited about decorating.

Pretty glass snowflake tealight holders in the living room.

Seashore Christmas decor in the bathroom!

A few snowball ornaments added to the bathroom seashore decor.

The tree will hopefully be going up in a week and a half.  I'm very excited about it!  Have you started Christmas decorating yet?

For those of you who don't have children in your home, does it make the holiday season harder?  Or do the festivities distract you?

Do you buy anything for your future child(ren)?  I have never bought a Christmas present specifically for our future child(ren), but I have given my husband presents that I guess are technically for the child.  For example, last Christmas I gave him a little white onesie with a red stocking on it that said "Daddy's Best Present".

Do you ask for any gifts for your future child(ren)?  I think this is the first year that I have put on my Christmas wishlists things like gift cards for Babies R Us.  People may hardly ever talk about the fact that we are going to be parents, but I won't let them forget!  Sometimes I really wish people would treat us as expectant parents.  Ah well.

Do you have any special ornaments you put on your tree that remind you of children you have lost or children you will gain?  I wish I could find a special ornament that we could put on our tree each year that would say something like "Waiting for you to spend all your Christmases with us."