Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Motherhood Month - 18

Progress & How I'm Feeling:  It's been 2 years + 6 months + 4 days since we were approved (that's 2 years + 1 month of being active, since we took a five month break).  Shortly after my husband & I got approved, we were discussing how long it would take 'til we would get matched.  Knowing that our agency's average wait time is two years, we each took a guess that we have more or less stuck with.  He guessed 1 1/2 years.  I guessed 2 1/2 years.  Well, here we are, it is over our agency's average time, it is even past my guess.  I know we were told some people have waited up to six years.  You just don't think that'll be you - and I still doubt it will be! But it is going to be a longer-than-average wait, that has now been made clear.  So how do I keep from being discouraged?  Well, sometimes I am sad.  I am a little right now, looking at the numbers I'm typing.  But there's a few things.  One, the longer we wait, the closer we are to being matched, right?  Two, I honestly don't dwell on it a lot.  Yes, I want to become a mom, raise a child in a true Christian home, raise our child in a good, Godly way that will be a benefit to them, give them tons of hugs and snuggles and giggles, see my husband be a dad and my in-laws become first-time grandparents, and so much more.  But, life moves along.  There's everyday life to live along with planning for and dreaming of a baby, and after waiting so long I guess it just not an all-consuming focus anymore.  And thirdly, last year in September when I had a seizure after an almost six-month hiatus and we had to rethink the idea of parenting, I had to really do some serious thinking and praying.  My heart was b-r-o-k-e-n.  Not become parents at all?  I'd already given up becoming a mom through birth.  Now to give up  having a baby all over again, this time with no alternative?  After much wrestling and tears, I slowly, over time, came to the place where I could say I wanted God's will more than mine.  And what peace comes with that!  And I'm not just saying that as a "Christian platitude"!  It's true!  So when in March and April of this year I had two more seizures and we decided to put our adoption on hold with the potential of closing it completely and permanently, it wasn't as painful as one would think.  Yes, I cried.  Yes, for a while I kept my feelings stuffed inside, terrified to hope.  But the gut-wrenching part had been done earlier, and peace was already there.  God was there (He'd never left).  Thankfully, I was able to go on a higher dose of medication and my health is doing really well.  We became active again in September of this year.    

Craving:  Pizza!  It's on the menu for tonight :)

Thoughts About Our Future Child:  My prayer for you is that you will believe in Jesus Christ.  My prayer for us is that we will raise you in the ways that you, yourself, need.

Thoughts About Our Child's Expectant Mom:  I wonder about you, where you are, what you're experiencing in life right now, things like that.

Most Recent Baby Purchase/Gift:  Nothing recently.  But I have been working on tearing off the old wallpaper in the baby room so that we can eventually get to the point of painting it!  The paper (two different patterns) is from at least 1990 and more likely the 70's or 80's, and underneath the whole room is pink.  At least it's coming off fairly easily! :)

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