Thursday, November 29, 2012

Not Quite Sure Where I Fit In

I've never felt 100% sure where I fit in in the infertility world.  I read a lot (a lot) of blogs, mainly about adoption, and it seems like most people are adopting because they struggle with infertility.  Sometimes it would be simplest to say that's where I'm coming from, too.  But I don't know if that's exactly true.

Hubby & I tried to conceive on-and-off for roughly 1 1/2 years.  I say "on-and-off" because there were a couple factors for why we didn't ttc consistently, that I'm not comfortable sharing here.  When I told my doctor we had tried for a year already (which isn't 100% accurate, since there were so few times we could have actually conceived during that time) she made us an appointment for a fertility clinic.

But it was during this time that my epilepsy got worse.  We (especially Hubby) were uncomfortable with me being pregnant, being in labour, and taking care of a baby while my epilepsy was not fully under control.  So we made the decision to switch me to a better medication.  Better medication for controlling my epilepsy, that is.  A million times worse for an unborn baby.  So we made the medication switch, quit ttc and switched our focus to adoption.  My epilepsy is under control now.

This was NOT an easy decision.  But at the same time a big weight was lifted off our shoulders.  We no longer had the pressure of ttc.  We no longer worried about my epilepsy constantly.  We were (still are!) excited about adopting.  But I still had to grieve the child(ren) whom we'll never have.  The ones that would be a little bit of each of us.  I still struggle (sometimes VERY much) with seeing pregnant women, hearing pregnancy/birth announcements, going to baby showers, etc.  Sometimes I wonder if I always will?  Occasionally we still catch ourselves doubting our decision to take this path.  I wonder what if...?  what if...?  what if...?  I surprise myself by STILL daydreaming about getting pregnant just like I used to daydream.  (Only now I also daydream about getting "the call"!) 

One thing that has brought me great amounts of solace is all of you - all the bloggers who write about adoption, loss and infertility.  Sometimes I stick to the adoption blogs, because sometimes it hurts too much reading blogs about those who are actively ttc.  (Of course pregnancy announcements do happen on adoption blogs, too.  And don't get me wrong - I'm always happy for those who get pregnant - but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, too.)

But sometimes I'm just not sure exactly where I fit in.  When I feel grief, anger, sadness - a little voice says, But you decided to quit ttc; they have no choice over it.  And I wonder, should I just be quiet in the ALI blogging world?  Did I make the wrong decision?  And - the worst one - will someone else (who knows without a doubt they can't conceive) adopting feel I'm "taking" "their" baby??  I'm probably being silly - but these are just some of my fears and insecurities.

Another thing that brought comfort was when we went to our agency's weekend education seminar and found there were a wide variety of reasons the couples there were adopting - infertility, health reasons (like me), repeat miscarriages, and other reasons. 

So, as I try to find security in where I am, wherever I am, I will continue to blog, and read your blogs.  I will continue to feel a lot of the same emotions (why me?) even if for different reasons.  And, hopefully, one day, all of us will find a baby in our arms, through whichever route God chose to place that baby there.

[Update:  If you are here from In Due Time's NIAW 2016 link-up, you will see this post was written 3 1/2 years ago.  Click here to read our up-to-date timeline.] 

4 comments:

  1. I hope you can find comfort that you didn't quit. You will be a mom just as much as anyone else. As long as you are at peace with your decision and following God, then you know what you are doing is right for YOU, maybe not be for someone else. That is the beauty of it all, we all have different stories!

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  2. Make a decision good for you and your husband and your family is not quitting. It is very caring for all involved and all who will be involved in the future! I also am not quite sure where I fit in because I have RPL. But this is the community that gets my feelings the best.

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  3. You are doing a beautiful thing... there are lots of and there always will be babies that need love and a secure home, you won't be taking someone else's baby!

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  4. I totally understand this road.. it's hard to not feel lonely on the road less traveled <3 Cheering you on friend. Thanks for being so willing to share your story and for joining the link up

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