Waiting

I find it astounding how difficult the waiting is, this early on.  We've only waited 2 months.  I feel almost embarrassed posting about waiting when some of my fellow bloggers have been waiting years upon years upon years. 

I suppose it feels longer than 2 months because first there was the waiting for hubby to also feel ready to ttc.  Then there was the waiting to get pg.  Then there was the waiting to decide what to do about my epilepsy/meds in relation to babies, and the grieving the loss of never going to have birthchildren.  Then there was the waiting while we switched me from one med to the other.  Then there was the waiting for enough money to start the adoption process.  Then there was all the paperwork and everything that needs to be done to get approved.  And then we arrived at 2 months ago.  (See my timeline.)  So I don't really feel like it's been 2 months waiting to have a baby.  I feel like it's been at least 5 years since I first felt like I really wanted a baby.

Has anybody else noticed that really fine line between wanting your baby, and coveting?  It's so easy to justify my emotions and desires, and say I deserve this.  Every woman should be able to be a mother if they want to.  It's natural.  It's instinct.  Biological clock and everything.  But even good things can be coveted, and wishing jealously and desperately for something that isn't mine yet is sin.  Anyway, just an aside, something I've been chewing on a bit lately.

I've noticed that pms makes the waiting extra hard.  I get brutal pms (technically called pmdd) so of course everything feels worse during the 7 - 10 days before my period, and waiting is definitely one of those things.  Hubby has to constantly reassure me we will get chosen one day!

The average waiting time with our agency is 2 years.  Hubby is expecting our wait to be 1.5 years (why, I don't know, I think he thinks we have a stellar profile or something); I'm expecting our wait to be 2.5 years (I think my epilepsy will hinder us).  In this case, I really wouldn't mind if Hubby is right and I am wrong, though!!

The stats with our agency are out for the first half of 2013.  (For private adoptions only) there are 31 applicants who have applied for adoption; 20 applicants who have been approved (that includes us!); 4 applicants who have been matched (babies not born yet or 21 day waiting period not up yet); 9 placements; and 72 prospective adoptive parents currently active (approved & waiting for match - includes us).  (I believe our agency does roughly 14 placements a year; with 1 - 2 reversals a year.)  There have been 33 birthparents who have contacted our agency to inquire about adoption; 19 birthparents who have come into the agency for counseling to explore their options; 5 whom have matched with prospective adoptive parents; 7 whom have placed their child for adoption;  and 5 who are actively involved with the decision-making process with an adoption counselor (choose us! choose us! lol!).

I try not to think about getting chosen too much.  But I do. All the time.  When does this go away and you just get back to "normal life"?  It may be 6 years before we're chosen and I will go nutty if this is on my mind 24/7, lol!