Thursday, July 18, 2013

Waiting

I find it astounding how difficult the waiting is, this early on.  We've only waited 2 months.  I feel almost embarrassed posting about waiting when some of my fellow bloggers have been waiting years upon years upon years. 

I suppose it feels longer than 2 months because first there was the waiting for hubby to also feel ready to ttc.  Then there was the waiting to get pg.  Then there was the waiting to decide what to do about my epilepsy/meds in relation to babies, and the grieving the loss of never going to have birthchildren.  Then there was the waiting while we switched me from one med to the other.  Then there was the waiting for enough money to start the adoption process.  Then there was all the paperwork and everything that needs to be done to get approved.  And then we arrived at 2 months ago.  (See my timeline.)  So I don't really feel like it's been 2 months waiting to have a baby.  I feel like it's been at least 5 years since I first felt like I really wanted a baby.

Has anybody else noticed that really fine line between wanting your baby, and coveting?  It's so easy to justify my emotions and desires, and say I deserve this.  Every woman should be able to be a mother if they want to.  It's natural.  It's instinct.  Biological clock and everything.  But even good things can be coveted, and wishing jealously and desperately for something that isn't mine yet is sin.  Anyway, just an aside, something I've been chewing on a bit lately.

I've noticed that pms makes the waiting extra hard.  I get brutal pms (technically called pmdd) so of course everything feels worse during the 7 - 10 days before my period, and waiting is definitely one of those things.  Hubby has to constantly reassure me we will get chosen one day!

The average waiting time with our agency is 2 years.  Hubby is expecting our wait to be 1.5 years (why, I don't know, I think he thinks we have a stellar profile or something); I'm expecting our wait to be 2.5 years (I think my epilepsy will hinder us).  In this case, I really wouldn't mind if Hubby is right and I am wrong, though!!

The stats with our agency are out for the first half of 2013.  (For private adoptions only) there are 31 applicants who have applied for adoption; 20 applicants who have been approved (that includes us!); 4 applicants who have been matched (babies not born yet or 21 day waiting period not up yet); 9 placements; and 72 prospective adoptive parents currently active (approved & waiting for match - includes us).  (I believe our agency does roughly 14 placements a year; with 1 - 2 reversals a year.)  There have been 33 birthparents who have contacted our agency to inquire about adoption; 19 birthparents who have come into the agency for counseling to explore their options; 5 whom have matched with prospective adoptive parents; 7 whom have placed their child for adoption;  and 5 who are actively involved with the decision-making process with an adoption counselor (choose us! choose us! lol!).

I try not to think about getting chosen too much.  But I do. All the time.  When does this go away and you just get back to "normal life"?  It may be 6 years before we're chosen and I will go nutty if this is on my mind 24/7, lol!

3 comments:

  1. Excited to see how the Lord unfolds your story!!

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  2. Hi Rhonda,

    I think I forgot to tell you this before, but my husband also has epilepsy and this didn't hinder us at all. I'm not sure how severe or frequent your seizures are, but in our case, this wasn't an issue for J's first mom.

    I was really worried about my own condition as well - I have moderate/severe hearing impairment in both ears and wear bilateral hearing aids. I thought for sure this would be something that birth families would steer clear of when choosing a prospective mama for their child, but turns out that it wasn't an issue at all.

    Every family is faced with some sort of challenge(s). No one is squeaky clean. I am with your husband - I am thinking you guys will be on the quicker side of selection than on the longer side.

    Hang in there. I know this will be annoying to hear, but ... I PROMISE that it will all make sense, every little bit of heartache will be worth it WHEN you are selected. You WILL hold a little babe in your arms, much sooner than you think. :)

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  3. The waiting part unfortunately does not get any easier... After a while it kind of slips into the background a bit and you try to convince yourself that it is a good thing, as you are now so many months closer to having a baby in your arms. But for me, almost 1 and a half years in waiting, it still hurts every day. I also think it is the not knowing that is the hardest, I am very patient, but not knowing how long to be patient for is tough. But I agree with Alicia - in the end it will be SO worth it!
    Keep strong and hoping that your little one shows up soon xxx

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