How long are your days? Everyone's varies, I imagine, but mine are really short. My husband's days are really long.
The time I get up changes, but in general it's between 11 and 1. Bedtime
varies, too, but is also between 11 and 1, and then it takes me 1-2
hours to fall asleep. I usually get 8 1/2 - 10 1/2 hours of sleep. That
leaves me with roughly a 13-14 hour day.
During the week, Hubby gets up at about 6. He works from 7 am to around
6-7 pm. He squeezes in a shower and supper, and a couple minutes of
downtime, a couple minutes with me, and maybe a couple minutes of doing
something that needs to be done. Then, waaaay overtired, he crashes into
bed and conks out in literally seconds (I've counted) - usually also
around 11-1, because he likes to go to bed the same time as me. This
gives him 4-6 hours of sleep a night, a 12-14 hour workday, and about 5
hours in the evening during which he is EXHAUSTED. I don't know how to
convince him to go to bed earlier, and I know it's costing him his health. It's disheartening and a little scary for me.
You may wonder why I go to bed so late and get up so late. It's because I
don't have a choice. Well, unless I want to risk having a seizure.
Which I don't. My kind of epilepsy, JME (Juvenile Myoclonic Epilepsy),
is characterized by jerking of the arms in the early mornings and after
too little sleep. (There are other lesser triggers as well, but this is
the main one.) Too much jerking usually equals a grand mal seizure. So I
control my epilepsy with medication, sleep, prayer, and watching my
other triggers. In this way I only have, on average, a grand mal seizure
every 1 1/2 years. Not bad, eh?
So, yes, I hate sleeping so much. It sucks. It hurts. It frustrates
others. I've missed out on many morning events and will miss out on many
more. Little things, like restaurant breakfasts that close by 9, 10, or
even 11. Sunrises. Parades. Big things, like weddings. Funerals.
Christmas. Scheduling in "life" is different for me and my hubby. Think
what booking appointments, taking vacations, and family gatherings would
look like for you if you could never start your day before 11, noon, or
even 1 am. That is my life. I hate inconveniencing and disappointing
those around me. Some have chosen to understand and work with us; others
haven't.
BUT. If sleeping in is what keeps my jerking at bay? And thus keeps my
seizures away? If sleeping in actually does the opposite and helps my
whole day NOT be wasted (since jerking keeps me in bed for the day)? If
sleeping in relieves my mom's stress ten-fold? My husband's stress a
hundred-fold? If sleeping in helps my body not feel for days like it was
run over by a steamroller (what a seizure feels like)? And helps me
keep my memory and emotions fairly intact (a seizure wreaks havoc with
both for weeks)? Then, yes. Then I accept the remedy.
I do wish I could be "super woman". I would like to hold down a job,
birth children, adopt from overseas, homeschool, have friends, write an
amazing, consistent blog, encourage people spiritually, scrapbook every
week, cook healthy meals, exercise, volunteer, drive, take vacations,
host people over at our home...the list could go on. But this is not who
I am. Whether due directly to my epilepsy, my short days, other health
issues, past experiences, faults of my own, or reasons I do not
understand, this is not who I am. I probably never will be my ideal
"super woman".
And that's okay. As long as I am who my Saviour, Jesus, wants me to be.
And I am. He wants me to be His. I believe Him and I trust Him so I am His. I know
that He is in control and this brings me HUGE comfort. What also brings
me peace is being willing to do whatever He wants. When I was fighting
to do what I wanted because I was scared His plans would be scary and
sad, I wasn't at peace at all. When I was willing to do His will, I
learned that He takes away desire for the things He doesn't want you to
do, so that it isn't as big a deal as you thought it would be. It's
ironic, but the lack of desire for the thing I wanted was the very thing
I feared! But when I let Him run my life, well, of course you don't
miss something you no longer desire. Silly me. God always knows best. I
really, truly believe this.
I've gotten a little off track. Let me conclude my thoughts. I have
short days that make me feel like I can't accomplish everything I feel
like a woman my age should. It's also hard for me to miss out on morning
events and I know it's hard in some ways for my loved ones, too. But to
avoid seizures and the stress it puts on my already-exhausted husband, I
accept the remedy of sleeping in. Also, as long as I am the woman God
wants me to be, it is okay if I cannot be the woman I desire to be. In
fact, if I desire to be a woman that pleases God, I will most likely
lose the desire to be "super woman". I am so thankful for the
contentment that a trusting, dependent, relying, and willing
relationship with Christ brings.
