Summing up 2013...Looking Forward to 2014

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas.  I did.  I love gatherings, people, presents, etc!  We spent all day Christmas Eve at Hubby's parents' with them and Hubby's brother who was home from university for the holidays.  Christmas Day was spent with my mom-in-law's side of the family at Hubby's uncle & aunt's.  Boxing Day was spent at my parents'.  I always look forward the most to Christmas at my parents' and this year was no exception.  The next day we got a bit of a break until suppertime when we went out to eat with my dad's side of the family.  A lot of these people I only see once a year.  The next day we finally had Christmas with just the 2 of us.  It was very relaxing and I didn't have to worry about food (I am intolerant to a lot of foods) and we could just enjoy each other.  Of course I am still hopeful that it was the last Christmas with just the 2 of us, but who knows!  God does, and I like knowing He's in control. 

To read my summing up 2012 post, click here.

2013 was a year of a lot of changes.  The main things (that I am willing to share) were:

1. We bought a new place and started renovations.  
2. Hubby switched positions at his job from being a truck driver to working in the office.
3. Moved from the country into town.
4. Completed all the adoption paperwork we've been working on for so long and submitted our file to our agency.
5. Hubby got politely fired from his office job for refusing to ask his drivers to break rules.  After we got over being devastated, we decided he will continue pursuing his flight training instead of driving truck again like they offered him.
6. Both homestudy interviews got scheduled and rescheduled until they were finally completed.
7. We got officially approved to adopt and started waiting on May 14.
8. My sister E landed up in the hospital due to pancreas inflamation.  She was in good spirits so unlike the whole cancer thing she went through last year.  She had surgery to have her gallbladder out.
9. Started hosting our church group at our house for church every Sunday morning.  Up til now we'd always had it at my brothers'.  We are a small group of 8 regulars but I love them all dearly.
10. I became an independent rep for Regal to start helping earn a little income.
11. Hubby completed his flight training and passed his flight tests.  He put in applications for flying jobs.
12. Hubby started driving truck again, for a different company, as we wait for a flying job offer.
13. We had adoption maternity pictures taken with a professional photographer.  It was a great experience and we love the pictures!
14. I had a benign cyst removed from my breast.  Did not enjoy being awake for the surgery!
15. We reached the 6 month mark of being approved.  Found out we haven't been shown yet which was not surprising but still disappointing.
16. Hubby and his fellow employees were laid off for the Winter.  He has applied for EI which we are waiting on but he does get called in to work some days, usually to haul snow after blizzards.

Of course there were also many not-so-big things interspersed throughout the year, happy things and sad things both.  Ultimately I am just so thankful to God that He is unchanging!

Here are some of the things I am looking forward to in 2014, the Lord willing:

1.  Well, obviously I think it would be AWESOME if we would be matched and be blessed with a baby!  
2. It's my hubby's big 3-0 this year.  I would love to throw him a huge surprise party but he is an introvert and big crowds of people is so not his thing.  And definitely not surprises!  
3. Assuming we don't have a baby by then, we'll be updating our profile this Spring, since it will be the 1 year mark.
4. I'm hoping God will answer some of my prayers with a "yes!".
5. I'm sure there are other things I am looking forward to in 2014, I just can't think of them right now!

 Just one more thing.  Remember that little yellow baby blanket my mom started knitting for me last year?  Well, shortly before Christmas she finished it and gave it to me.  So precious.  Here it is:

Oh, and you know how I was pessimistically saying I didn't think I would get any baby-related stuff as gifts this Christmas?  Well, I was wrong.  I'm starting to feel like I don't need a pre-baby shower after all, because people are definitely showing me they care!

These are onesies, sleepers, a blanket, and a soother with clip that my mom-in-law, bro-in-law, and dad gave me this Christmas.  Feeling loved :)

Motherhood Month - 3

Progress:  We have been waiting 7 months and 1 day since being approved.

Mood:  A little down.  Non-adoption related, I'm in PMS and for me that is really bad.  Hopefully AF will come and leave before Christmas yet.  But if not, I'd rather have AF than PMS over Christmas!  Adoption-related, someone I know got chosen to adopt.  This is the first person I know personally who got chosen to adopt.  They were approved after us and waited an incredibly short time.  I'm surprised how difficult of a time I'm having with it.  Also adoption-related, I'm still feeling let down that no one's thrown me a baby shower yet.  I realize that makes me sound selfish, but it's something I've made clear to my husband that I want, and he knows how important gifts are to me, and it would make me feel more like an expectant mother and that others are viewing me that way, and I just expected a baby shower shortly after we got approved and it's been seven freaking months!!  Ah well, maybe there's something in the plans and I don't know about it.  I know it won't be til at least early-January, though, because one of the people I want to be there is gone til then.  I am starting to regret saying I want it to be a surprise though, because it would be nice if I knew something was happening or not.  Another adoption-related thing has me thinking about our future child and their birthfamily and feeling emotional lately but won't talk about it at this point.    

Cravings:  Something with a lot of melted cheese.  Grilled cheese sandwich.  Chicken Spinach Lasagna.  Seven-Cheese Ravioli in Alfredo Sauce baked with cheese.  You get the idea.

Thoughts About Our Child:  Curious if you exist yet.  You exist in God's eye and my heart.

Thoughts About Our Child's Expectant Mom:  Wondering if you will remain in your child's life or if you will disappear and our child will have to search for you.

Most Recent Baby Purchase/Gift:  I may or may not have bought something for Hubby ;) like I do every Christmas.  Curious if I'll get any baby-related gifts from anyone this Christmas, as it is the first year I have put any on my wishlists.  I don't really think so.

This Month God:  Taught me through His Word that He is the God of encouragement, the God of hope, and the God of endurance.  (Romans 15:4-5)  I found the latter particularly encouraging, for when I run out of hope and feel I can no longer endure in this long adoption journey, He will continue to endure!    

Am I Just "Playing House"?

So I mentioned in this post that I emailed our adoption agency to find out if we'd been shown to anybody since getting approved half a year ago.

The next day we got a simple but kind reply "Hi Lee and Rhonda, nice to hear from you. I looked at your file, and to date, it has not yet been shown.  Wishing you well, Bonnie."

So pretty much our reaction was not shock or surprise, but at the same time still disappointment.  I tried to brush it off, but I did have some tears over supper as I was talking about how I felt.

It is this feeling of, does anybody else besides me believe that we will actually become parents?  Am I just "playing house"?  It's a terribly lonely feeling.  When people walk around with their pregnant bellies, everyone can see that they're expecting a child.  No one sees that I am expecting a child.  So no one talks about it.  I don't expect many baby showers or for people to talk about nothing but babies and adoption with me.  But I am not sure how to convey just how much it means to me when other people hope with me.  To know you're praying, to receive a little baby item you happened to spot in the store and thought I would like, to ask how I'm doing.  I could go on.  I don't want to sound like I deserve a ton of attention or that you should feel sorry for me.  But this journey can be terribly lonely.  I guess I just want to feel like a "real" expectant parent and want others to view me that way, too.  And sometimes I just doubt if it's all just a big game and we really won't get chosen.  I doubt why I occasionally buy baby stuff; if there'll really be someone to wear these little clothes one day.

I shouldn't say that no one supports me.  I think just the disappointment from not being shown yet coupled with my own doubts that we'll ever get matched somehow concluded in my feeling like people don't actually care enough to let me know they do care even a little.

Baby Registry

I made a baby registry and am attempting to add things to it.  That sentence feels surreal.  There's a lot of thoughts going on in my head here.

One, the website says you have to enter in an "expected arrival date".  They say "Expected arrival date is your due date or, for families that are adopting, the date you expect to bring the baby home."  First of all, kudos for acknowledging adoption.  Thank you.  ...But we have no date we expect to bring baby home!  And I am not waiting to make a registry until we get matched, because we could get matched just days before baby is born.  (More likely it'll be weeks, but who knows.)  After talking about it with Hubby, we decided to enter in the absolute latest date they would allow us. So our "expected arrival date" is set for June 11, 2014.  Then, if I understand correctly, it stays active for a year after that.  So I guess if we don't have our baby by June 11, 2015, I make a new registry.  Products will probably have already changed by then anyway.

Two, I feel slightly like a fake; a girl playing house.  I'm not pregnant, we're not matched, it hasn't even sunk in yet that we could get a call any day.  It feels like someone's going to call me out yet and tell me I'm not a "real" expectant parent so why am I making a registry?  And maybe laugh at me to boot.

Three, it is REALLY difficult figuring out what to register for!!!  I have this long list I've compiled from Through Clouded Glass's old feature, Moms and Babies, where moms shared some of their must-have products.  I've also bookmarked half a dozen must-have lists from various websites and blogs.  But I still have only registered for 5 things!!  I feel like I don't even have a clue what are the essentials for a newborn.  Poor baby.  We will take care of you, really.

Four, I feel partially crazy for registering already when it may be years upon years until we get matched.  But I want a small surprise baby shower before we are matched, and Hubby knows this, so he says to go ahead and make the registry, and send him wishlists and party ideas, etc, that he can pass on to the women in the family.  So I'm doing it.  Scary!  There may be a shower in a couple months, and then all the gifts will sit for years.  Or perhaps we don't even get the shower in time before we're matched and we have to scramble buying stuff!  So many unknowns.  (We've made it clear we don't want any baby showers during the 3 weeks that the mom can change her mind.  After that, though, I want a huge shower with every relative and friend possible!!)

For those of you in the adoption realm, when did you make a registry?  Or did you even?  How did you figure out what to add to it (if it was your first baby, like me)?  Did you buy a lot of things yourself or did you get a lot of things as gifts?  Did you wait to buy things until you were matched or even until every thing had gone through, or did you stock up ahead of time?  What would you consider the essentials for a newborn (no nursing stuff please)?  Any other advice for me and my insecurity? ;)  Thank you!